My Path INTO the Wilderness

Have you ever felt alone even though you were surrounded by people?

Has everything, ever, gone wrong even though there is potential, all around, for things to be going great?

That is exactly how I feel right now. Two months ago, everything was coming my way. I was on my second semester of Grad School, I had great grades in all my classes. I had so many friends I could not find the time for each of them every day. I started spending more time with the guy I like. I started the process to buy a house for ministry… Everything was going ME!

Not long after, things started to fall apart. The guy I like started acting weird and we stopped talking, the house I wanted had several issues, the bank retracted their pre-approval a week before closing, my grades fell, my friends were the busy ones and had no time for me… 

I felt alone, but I was still surrounded by people.

There is also a lot of other unpleasant details working in the background and I must say, I am severely discouraged.  

The words ‘I give up’ are usually not part of my vocabulary. I don’t know what it is to give up on anything or anyone, even when I know I should because something (someone) is not good for me. But, just like everyone else, I have a limit and it is usually when I start losing more than what I have.

In the past, instead of giving up, I’d become bitter and start manipulating and ‘punishing’ God for things not going well. Silly me, I was only delaying my blessings.

Hurt people -hurt people, is what they say. It is actually worst than that, hurt people -if they don’t surrender to God- become what they hate the most. Hurt people become bitter, like I used to, and conclude that the only way to feel redeemed is by hurting God and others. Ultimately doing to everyone exactly what they feel everyone did to them.

What is different for me this time? First, I have to say that the past year, though it wasn’t perfect, it was close to it. My relationship with God, and others, was thriving. I felt strong and ready for anything. Not quite accurate, life curve-balls are always a surprise, but now I have the tools to fight it.

See, people think that you ought to have only good feelings and emotions if you're a Christian. That is not true, nor Biblical. We can have all sorts of emotions and feelings. Take anger, for example, the Bible doesn't say we cannot be angry... Ephesians 4:26 says, "be angry and do not sin..." the emotion is not the problem, is what we do with it. It continues to say "do not let the sun go down on your anger", it even gives you a reason why we should not go to bed angry. So, how do you not let the sun go down on your anger? Ideally, we would address our feelings with the source. If that is not possible, or you think it would make things worst, just give it to God. Yes, tell God how you feel. He can handle it, He already knows!!!

That is what is different, for me, this time. I don’t feel the need to listen to depressing music, the opposite is truth, I’m craving worship music more than ever before. Why? Look at the Psalmists (plural, there is more than one and in this particular matter they all agreed), they associated hardships with worship, that is NOT a coincidence. They found that during the hardest time of their lives, worshiping God brought release, peace, justice.

I don’t feel the need to drink wine, excessively, or at all. The opposite is also truth, I am hungry for God’s guidance and wanting to fast to hear His voice. I don’t want to ‘punish God’ by seeking earthly pleasures -again, the opposite is truth, I am avoiding any of that knowing that it will not make me feel better, give me answers or bring me peace.

I don’t know how this story is going to end, but I know the author, and He loves happy endings.