Singleness in the Church: What Over 100 Single Christians Are Telling Church Leaders
Singleness in the Church: What Over 100 Single Christians Are Telling Church Leaders
By: Maria M. Rodriguez Pulliza, MDiv
Surely, well-known theologians and Pastors have written and preached about singleness in the Church, or the role of single people in the Church. So, why hasn’t the Church culture changed? Perhaps it is because people hear, or read, about singleness in the Church with an ‘yeah, I know’ mentality. Much like preaching or reading about sexual purity, tithing, worship, etc., it is widely known, but not well known. Married people don’t seem to know what to do, or how to relate, with single people. Even though they were once one. The Church doesn’t know how to begin to address them, their needs, their existence. Harsh!, but oftentimes it is married people that tell singles ‘you’ll understand one day’ when talking about the common experiences of life. Um! Excuse me, we also go through hardships, get tired, angry, upset, frustrated, confused, sad…. So, tell me again what is it that we will one day understand?
Perhaps, the Church just doesn’t care. Again, harsh!. But has any of these writers/preachers ever asked a single person in their congregation how they really feel? (perhaps they have, this is a legitimate question). The problem with books and sermons about singleness is that it says nothing new to the single. And because it is talking about a season of life that they left behind, married people disregard. This article is coming not just from an unmarried woman, but from over a hundred single Christians that felt compelled to speak out in this matter. Young adults, from 18 y/o and up, who are either single, divorced or widowed, from different states, Church denomination/background, partook in a 5 questions survey to let the leaders of the Church know how they feel about the Church’s actions toward them because of their status.
First, I want to address the impending argument that ‘No Church is perfect’, and so thinking that addressing this issue is not necessary. I agree that no church is perfect. Notice my use of lower case in the last sentence in comparison with the former one. No Church is perfect because it is composed by a group of individuals in the process of sanctification, namely, broken people. However, it is time to drop that argument as the excuse to not move forward in community and/or in Christ. For far too long this argument has been used to brush off the fact that the Church no longer heals the sick, feeds the hungry, saves the lost and builds up Saints. We are not 1st Century Christians, walking on blind, trying to figure out if Jesus would have spoken against or in favor of something. We have 66 books that address, directly or indirectly, how we ought to live as a Church. So why are using 1st Century excuses that the Church isn’t perfect? Shouldn’t have we at least be closer to that by now? Why are we doing worse?
Let me make it profoundly clear, there is no reason for ONE single person (pun intended) to feel rejected, forgotten, inferior, irrelevant, or anything alike in/by the Church. So, a few young adults feeling this way, is more than the Church can afford for the sake of God’s kingdom. Yet, when asked if they feel treated differently by the Church for being single, 50.8 % said ‘Yes’.
What is even more devastating is that, when asked if they have thought about leaving the church (stop attending) because the Church is family oriented, 32.2% said ‘Yes’.
If you are a Church leader, I hope I have your attention now.
And before you call them weak for thinking about leaving the Church, read and reflect on the message of Romans 14.
If you still don’t think that there is a deficiency you should read some of their responses, which you will find below. But first I want you to consider this. If a family walks into a Church and there is no children ministry, they will likely leave and not return. Where do I get that? I have worked in Church leadership for most of my life, and I have been there when the pastors use that very same argument to establish the need for children’s ministry. In fact, it would be very unlikely that anyone would disagree with that. Why? There is a need for children to be introduced into Scripture at a level they understand. Thus the birth of Church children ministry. Similar rationale follows the creation of youth, women and men’s ministry.
I am presenting you with a real problem. A real need. If our aim as Christians, as a Church, is to be like God, why don’t we go after and/or serve the one over the 99 like God would? What then about the 79% of the survey participants who said that, if available, they would partake in a Single’s ministry.
How is this a need? One of the most heartbreaking feedback consisted of 3 words “minister to us”. Without wanting to sound redundant, there is no reason why any given person should feel not ministered by the Church. In addition, singleness in the Church implies a specific set of needs. Think about this, the term ‘sexual purity’ has been tossed around a lot in the Church. However, it is mainly emphasized among those who do not need to be abstinent, married couples. ‘Do not cheat on your spouse’, ‘Do not use pornography’. While for the single people they just say ‘Don’t have sex before marriage’. Okay, but what about those desires? What about the unmet desire to be in a godly marriage? How does a godly marriage even look like? Let’s be real, the Church does not talk about these things in the specific details single people need.
“On the whole, singleness is almost considered a disease in the church. Singles are often segregated into their own “ministries'' that seem intended to pair up singles so they can be “cured” and go to normal small groups etc. This not only fails those who are single because they haven’t found the right one, but those who are called to singleness by choice or by doctrine (LGBTQ+ folks for evangelicals)”.
Let’s talk about the LGBTQ community within the Church for a second. Not everyone that experiences homosexual attraction, or feels a different gender, pursues that life. Someone may decide to deny themselves and remain single rather than embracing a life of sin. If the Church continues to treat singleness as a disease, the message we are sending to those struggling with homosexual attraction is that they are better off living in sin, than being single for Christ. If you don’t see this as a huge problem, contact me so I can share the gospel with you.
I’m still confused as to why singleness is even feared in the Church. One of my professors once pointed out that 20% of Scripture was written by a single man, Paul (1 Corinthians 7:7); and we claim to believe that ALL of Scripture points to Jesus, a perfect man, who was single. Yet, one of the participants of the survey, a good friend, a 29 y/o male messaged me with hopes that the survey would bring to light an unbiblical treatment. He is unable, in his denomination, to apply for any pastoral position because he is not married. He has already decided that he will remain single for Christ, but the Church is telling him that he is not enough because of this.
I can’t imagine any of the Churches telling Paul, ‘hey thank you for your input, but we rather hear from someone who’s married’. Or the Church at Ephesus telling Timothy, ‘I know you know what you’re doing, but you’re single so -either get married or we will ignore you’. Even less likely that anyone ever told Jesus, “So, you’re 30 now and starting ministry, when are you getting married?”. Why are we, then, treating single people as if they are not ready to serve the Lord? Look at what several of the participants said:
“See us for who we are in Christ, not our status”.
“Treat us like regular ppl who are not defective or in *waiting*”
“Help them see that singleness is not something that needs to be fixed but a natural part of life. We have plenty to offer. Also I'm not out to steal husbands”
“Educate that singleness is not a sin, curse or character flaw”
I can go on, but I think you get it.
Here is the key message we are trying to convey. Pastors, don’t just tell the Church that we exist; nor just tell us to keep on and be content until this season ends. Don’t give us cliche ways to use our singleness. We are already working in a relationship with Christ. We want to be seen and we want to be part of the Church, and that includes to serve, but -and I quote another participant, “see us not just as a volunteer. Invite us into homes, into circles, help us connect outside of single groups. All walks/stages of life have value to share with each other”.
Yes, I believe, along with 76% of the participants, that since the Church is so vehement about specific ministries, a Single’s ministry is necessary. But the unifying message that I received as feedback from the dozens of singles that partook in the survey is that we want to be included…
“Just create inclusivity for us, we’re single but obviously want to get married one day, and even if we didn’t and we chose a different path that there was just more openness to that life without the shaming”.
“I would stop treating singles like different people. In the same way younger people should be with older people, single people should be with couples. The center of groups should not be "grouping" but rather scripture”.
“Host singles events or at least encourage singles to attend family events.”
“welcome all who desire to be discipled”.
“Churches should be set up as a community as a whole, including everyone, not segregated into married and singles. For the most part they should meet together. There is a place for small groups that focus on certain needs like Moms of Preschoolers, but that should be extra and not the main way we gather. Single groups are great for people in their 20s, but after that singles are just left out. It's unhealthy and not how the church should be set up”.
“Have more people invite singles to groups and to also participate in more things. Also some people just don't know how to talk to singles because all they know are conversations about marriage, kids, house, and stuff like that”.
“Equal effort in programs and sermons; Divorce Care and Single Parent Support, mentoring of people who want to date and marry in a healthy way”.
“I would actually prefer (while I'm in my unmarried state) not to be singled out as a single person. And for ppl not to focus so much on my singleness, but spiritual growth and development”.
The Bride of Christ, the Church, was never meant to be splitted or segregated in different groups (1 Corinthians 12). I understand that each season of life has different needs, and so if the Church is going to split in groups that would address these needs, then it ought to recognize that singleness is one of them. We are not asking to treat us better than married couples, as someone told me about finding ‘No Biblical mandate to treat singles differently’. Which, by the way, there is. Paul talks about treating young men and women as brothers and sisters, in all purity (1 Tim 5:1-2). Before an argument arises that we ought to treat everyone the same, let me say you are right. But that is precisely the point, the Church still treats us differently, and in an unhealthy manner. We are not asking for anything special, or more, than what the Church is already doing for every other season of life.
Final notes: Pastors, don’t just take my word for it. If you want, run your own survey. Include the entire congregation. Ask them what they think about singles. Below you’ll find more feedback responses from participants. And I want to take a moment and thank each and every one of them for their input. Some reached out to me, privately, to tell me that they think this is a “huge problem in the church” that needs to be addressed. Others said that they try College ministry, but after a certain age it is just not meeting the needs. One of the participants also reported that, after being treated as anathema for being divorced, left and never returned to the Church. That is completely unacceptable because the Bible calls us to bring them back (James 5:19). Yet, we see conformism, which is anti biblical (Romans 12:2) when someone leaves the Church.
Further feedback from survey participants:
“Singles aren't just treated differently in most churches I've been to...But most of the churches near me don't even have that many singles. They almost don't exist. So, it definitely makes you feel like odd and awkward sometimes being one of the only single people”.
“I'm personally in a position of pursuing singleness for the sole purpose of getting close to God in this season of my life. I answered the questions with that perspective. However after thinking about it, if I were in that season of my life where I was actively pursuing a Godly relationship with a Christian woman I do realize that the church I attend has marriage seminars and there are men's and women's specific Bible studies. There is NOTHING that brings the two together!”.
“I've found being single in my late 30s to be a discouraging thing. It was easier when I was still in my 20s, but when everyone my age is married, and all the ministries and bible studies for 30 somethings are geared for married people with children, it's kind of frustrating. Its also awkward trying to fit into the ministries for younger, more single people, because they are in their early 20s. The age gap is a bit too large, and they get creeped out by the 30 something that shows interest in them”.
“Inform the congregation of how they come across to singles. Figure out a way to allow singles to be invited to events. Most events are for family’s or couples. The singles get forgotten. Especially during covid, people are checking up on family’s with small kids. But singles are just assumed as fine”
“As a single pastor, widowed, I find that it is a challenge. But after having a wonderful marriage of 42 years, and a church full of delightful young families, I just make the most of it. My congregation certainly senses the need to have a pastor’s wife support me. I would love to find a young widowed wife 😂 but being in this part of East Texas, it makes it difficult”
“I would feel more comfortable to be there.”
“That singles aren’t excluded, even in vocabulary used and that they aren’t seen as being “lepers.” Wish marrieds in the church knew how to be friends with singles.”
“Help them [the Church] see that singleness is not something that needs to be fixed but a natural part of life. We have plenty to offer. Also I'm not out to steal husbands.”
“Educate that singleness is not a sin, curse or character flaw.”
“More single fellowship and bible studies”
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