Looking forward but seeing what's behind (repeated and redeemed)
Today I woke up a little anxious.. I did a quick scan, and though 3 things have been weighting a lot in my mind lately, they were not the cause. I couldn't find a reason for the anxiety, so I proceeded to do my normal routine.
Did my devotionals, looked at the list of things to do today, and then went into the social networks. As I looked through my Facebook memories for the day, this picture came up.
Yes, I got that tattoo on January 29, 2016, the date I officially and permanently was separated from my service in the United States Air Force.
“It’s been 4 years!” I said to myself.
A lot went through my mind. A lot has been going through my mind lately.
A lot went through my mind. A lot has been going through my mind lately.
I began to reflect on where I am and where I’ve been. I felt even more anxious. We are always told to live in the present but also to focus on the future.. to never look back. Then I realized, life is but a mirror. You look forward and at it, but you see nothing but the past.
Whether you see your bed, and the way you made it this morning, or the sock that you forgot to pick up; or perhaps you focus just on your reflection, the way you did your hair, the wrinkles under your eyes, the way you smile -or don't... everything you see is because of your past.
In our culture, our past is our enemy. We want to leave it behind and move forward, but just like when you look in the mirror, it will always be there -"hunting you". Leaving it behind is nothing but an attempt to ignore it, instead of facing it.
Last week I learned that turning around can lead to better results than chasing after something that seems reachable, but isn't. Today, as I looked (mentally) back into my past, I realized that it was time to face it.
The 4 years I was in the military, were a repeated story of the previous 23 years of my life. Rejection, abandonment, chaos, failure... but worse, it also included trauma, loss, and unwanted change. When I was out, I aimed to do things different. That tattoo represents not only the end of a dream, but the end of a lifestyle.
The past 4 years, though I can confidently say I've done things differently, have led me to similar roads. That was my anxiety. Seeing that my efforts to leave the past behind doesn't seem to have made a difference.
The problem is that I was looking FOR the wrong differences. I focused on the outward appearance of life, instead of the inward development. I was chasing the sunshine, instead of the sun.
Much like this painting, sometimes we think that a story is repeating and everything is the same. But when we look into the details, we see they are different.
For me, the way I respond is different. My relationship with God is different. What I get out of rejection, abandonment, chaos and failure is different. I am different.
Truth is, our actions may not always change our circumstances. But staying/doing the same isn't changing either the story nor ourselves.
Someone once said, "Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different?" (author unknown).
What if we think that nothing changes because we look to what doesn't change for signs of change? My facial features don't change. I will always have a pointy nose, oval brown eyes, full lips and curly hair... but the things I choose to smell and look at -changes. The words I speak, or the people I talk to -changes. The way I do my hair -changes. I change.
My past DOES defines me... it defines who I was and it shows me the areas I need to change in myself. If it didn't, then I've learned nothing, I've grown none and I'm heading nowhere.
I choose to not "leave my past behind" (ignore it). I chose to turn around and face it. See where I have acted in ways I can act different now... and who knows, maybe one day my story will change too. After all, if we do the same thing over and over and expect different results, why not try something new with the same expectations?
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